How many kids should I have…?

I’ve heard this question so many times from parents, and I definitely asked myself the very same thing.

Wrapped up in the question, I think there are a host of other questions –

• How much of my time will adding additional kids take?
• Will I still have time for my partner?
• Will I still have time for myself?
• Will my career suffer?
• Will it change the relationship I already have with my other kid(s)?
• Can I afford kids/more kids? How many?
• Do I have room in the house and the cars?
• The list goes on…

I don’t have all of the answers (does anyone?), but I can give some advice based on my experience accumulating 3 tiny humans in my lifetime.

Going from 0-1

Honestly, this was the easiest step for us. We knew we wanted kids, so we dove headfirst into parenthood.

The Transition

• Partner Relationship – Luckily #1 actually brought us closer. We still had enough time to devote to each other, go on dates, and even the occasional weekend away.
• Me Time – Because it was still 2-on-1, I could easily leave my first little one with my husband or a sitter to go get my nails done or roam the aisles of Target.
• Budget – Because we were so young, and daycare is SO expensive, this is where we felt the biggest hit. We had to budget as we thought about bills, everyday expenses, and daycare. It’s important to plan it out and track your budget so you don’t spend more than you have.
• Space – a mere 7 days before our first was born, we moved into our first house – a 3 bedroom single family. So, we had plentyyy of space for just one little babe!

What I’d do differently

• Wait a Bit – we got pregnant shortly after getting married. Like, 6 months after getting married. I was 23 and Josh was 25, so we were both super young, poor, and blissfully happy. I don’t regret it one bit, but I wish we’d had a year or two to travel and spend enjoying each other before we dove into parenthood.
• Tell Work Sooner – I waited until I was almost 20 weeks to let my work know that I was pregnant! I was worried about judgment or not getting a promotion because I was pregnant, so I waited until after the promo went through. Looking back, it definitely wouldn’t have made a difference, and I could have gotten more support.

The moral of the story – going from 0-1 can limit some things like travel and budget, but the fact that you’re still 2-on-1 keeps things simple and still allows each of you to devote a ton of time to each other and to the new babe.

Going from 1-2

Whew – this was a doozyyy! No lie, it was the hardest transition of all of them. My oldest (Ellora) was 14 months old when we got pregnant with #2 – Killian. We knew we wanted a 2nd, and figured we’d start trying once Ellora was 1. BUT we didn’t expect to get pregnant so quickly.

The Transition

• Partner Relationship – Going from 1-2 was the hardest on our marriage. We suddenly had a newborn and an almost 2-year old who both took a TON of attention and time, and we struggled to find time for each other, especially after going back to work.
• Me Time – I was still able to carve out some me time, mostly at the gym, but ONLY because I had a supportive husband who would watch the kids for a while after work so I could go sweat.
• Budget – Adding #2, especially to that already large daycare bill isn’t easy. Finding friends who are giving away hand me downs was huge for us when it came to saving money! Kids, especially babies, wear clothes for such a short amount of time that they’re basically new even though they’re pre-worn. Highly suggest.
• Space – Again, we had a 3 bedroom home, so space for sleeping wasn’t an issue. That said, the very small house definitely became more cluttered with the extra toys, baby gear, coats, shoes, etc.

What I’d do differently

• Wait a Bit Longer in Between – Ellora was 22 months when Killian was born. It very much still felt like she was a baby, so we were juggling 2 pretty dependent kids for a while. I think another 6 months or so would have put us in a better spot to handle two small kids.
• Carve out Date Time – even if it was only taking the kids to a sitter so we could go home and watch a couple of hours of Netflix in peace, I would carve out specific, non-negotiable time for us to connect and fill each other’s love glasses up.

The moral of the story – going from 1-2 is a whole different ball game, especially if your first is still under 2. It definitely becomes all hands on deck when they’re little, limiting the time you have with your partner. That said, Ellora and Killian are SO close, play all the time now, and even get to play on the same T-ball team. So, while it’s hard for a season, it’s so, so worth it!

Going from 2-3

This transition was WAY easier than going from 1-2. I think it’s in-part due to the fact that we’d already gotten over the hump of going from 1-2, and that we were much more experienced as parents and in our own relationship. I think the biggest factor was that our two existing kids were older – 5 and 3 – and were pretty independent and self-sufficient.

The Transition

• Partner Relationship – Honestly, there was very little impact or change in this space. After going to 2, we learned how to carve time out and when we needed to pause to make sure we were connecting amidst the cray-z.
• Me Time – Me time has tanked for the most part – ha! I work a corporate job, commute 2.5 hours most days, and want to spend time with the kids when I’m not working. While I’d love more time to go out with friends, get my nails done, and go shopping solo, I cherish these days and know that it’s only a season.
• Budget – Well, we strategically added #3 – also known as Waverly – AFTER #1 went to kindergarten so we could maintain the daycare status quo. Adding the 3rd wasn’t a huge impact for us given that we also already had all of the baby things – toys, blankets, clothes, crib, etc. #allthehandmedowns
• Space – Sooo, we ended up putting our two oldest in the same room so Waverly could have her own space. We weren’t quite ready to move, so we made the limited space work temporarily. The hardest part wasn’t the room situation, but just feeling like we were busting out the the main living spaces in our ~1800 square foot house. I would definitely suggest getting a larger if you’re looking to add #3. That said, a small home is 100% doable – you just need to keep the “stuff” simple!

What I’d do differently

Honestly – Nothing.

After the first two, I mostly knew what to expect, and while I hesitated to add a 3rd because of how it might impact my career, my body, and my other relationships, I couldn’t shake the feeling of our family being incomplete…I was SO right, and our little Waverly was the most perfect addition we could ask for.

The moral of the story – going from 2-3 is far from trivial, but it also kind of feels like you’re just adding another one to the mix, which seems to work great. At this point, the two older kids actually help with the baby, and I’m experienced enough to be confident and more thoughtful in my approach as a parent, a wife, and a career woman. 

En Fin

Ultimately, there’s no right answer to the question, “How many kids should I have…?”. It’s one of the most personal and impactful questions that only you can answer for yourself.

I’m going to leave you with a question to answer your question. It’s one that helped me when I was thinking through my decision to have a third babe.

10, 20, 50 years from now, is it possible that you’ll regret not bringing another life into this world?

Do you have your answer…?